A Different Photoo

img_7953

I have been sending out Christmas cards since the first year Ger and I were married (so that was 11 Christmases ago…)  I have a large, black wire card tree that lovingly holds all of the cards we receive in return.  By the end of the season, my tree is full and I feel that my heart is also full to have so many wonderful people in our lives. Continue reading

No More Zero-to-Three

img_7661

For the last time, I have packed away zero-to-three-month baby clothes.

When I packed away Theo’s clothing, it was with a lot of eagerness.  My baby boy was growing!  On to the next stage!  With Quentin, I thought nothing of it.  There were no immediate plans for a third child, but I assumed it would be “someday” so everything was folded and stored in labeled totes.  After losing both Nelle and Iris, and packing away some of Quentin’s much larger clothing as he outgrew it, I thought “What if that was the last time I was going to ever pack away baby clothes, and I didn’t know it?  What if Quentin was my last baby, and I missed savoring all of those ‘last time I will do this EVER’ moments?” Continue reading

Rainbow’s End

img_7612

It is 3:00 am and I am staring into my baby’s very-alert face, willing her to go back to sleep. As her steely-blue eyes stare back at me, I thought of Iris. My baby that was supposed to be my rainbow baby. How much I wanted her, after losing Nelle. How Autumn would not exist if Iris had lived. It is all such a complicated story of “them” and “her.” “Here” and “not here.” Continue reading

The Night That Fear Won

img_7558

I woke around midnight, cold and sore.  The chill in my body felt feverish.  Unearthing myself from the covers to turn on the small space heater seemed torture.  Drinking icy water from the stainless steel water bottle near by med felt like torture.  And I wanted to go check on Autumn, but couldn’t make my muscles cooperate. Continue reading