Sickness Versus Support

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I really wanted to attend my SHARE support group last night.  The meetings are bi-monthly and a chance for me to talk with other parents that have experienced pregnancy or infant loss.  When I attended the last meeting, the group was a mixture of parents with very recent losses (even only a few days prior) and others like me, who were further out.  It is also a chance to see the friends that I have made through this club that I never wanted to be a part of. Continue reading

When Memories Bring Tears

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Robert Frost said “No tears for the writer, no tears for the reader.”

It has been over twenty months since Nelle was born and still, still there moments when I cry because I miss her so much.  I miss her because she was my baby, my child, and she isn’t here.  She.  Isn’t.  Here.  Even typing those words, I have tears streaming down my face and my throat hurt with the pain that comes from gasping between breaths. Continue reading

An Unease with Mother’s Day

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Motherhood is complicated.  Mother’s Day is complicated.  Other holidays have all kinds of triggers for those that are grieving.  Christmas can be a time of forced joy when all that’s felt is pain.  Thanksgiving centers around being thankful, when often sentiments are far from that place.  But no other holiday is as dedicated and blatant as Mother’s Day for a mother who has lost a child.  The day when her motherhood is put under the spotlight, with a crowd cheering “Be happy!  Be appreciated!  YOU ARE A MOM!” Continue reading

Reflections On Medical Care

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Recently, I asked Sue if she remembered the first time that we spoke.

“It was on the phone,” I said, “And I screamed at you.”

Sue is the perinatal bereavement coordinator at the hospital where I delivered Nelle and Iris, and also a labor and delivery nurse.  While I was in labor with Nelle, her name came up over and over.  “Sue’s not working today, but you should really talk to her.”  The nurses, the social worker – everyone kept telling me that I should speak with her.  My only thought was “Well she’s not here.”  I was handed a folder of information on What To Do When Your Baby Dies.  It included a list of funeral homes, information on depression, and a brochure about the hospital’s support group, SHARE.  I threw the folder away. Continue reading