Empty

I am trying to avoid things that remind me that I won’t be having a baby in January, but it is hard.  The baby section at Target, hearing a baby crying, seeing photos of friends’ babies – all of these make me ache.  I know it won’t be that way forever, but for right now, they remind me that I was pregnant, and I’m not anymore.

Today might fall into the category of Most Awkward Haircut Ever.  I’ve been seeing my stylist for years, every 6-7 weeks like clockwork.  At my last haircut I was visibly pregnant, and talked to her about expecting my third child, and now I’m visibly not pregnant.  I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.  It was like a giant elephant in the room, but she had the good sense not to say anything either.  I just let it hang as a great unknown.

As I picked Quentin up yesterday, his teacher was talking to him about hurting another child (pushed or something).  She told him to say sorry and he gave a very exaggerated “SOR-ry”  I made him sit in his room upon arriving home.  He seemed to really not care, so I talked to him about how it is NOT ok to hurt friends.  That did it.  His face scrunched up and he began to cry and I recognized the look: remorse.

Theo and I took a walk this morning before the bus, something we had enjoyed earlier this week.  I saw the walk through his child’s eyes, as my therapist had suggested that I do.  “MOMMY!  Look – there is a refrigerator at the end of that driveway!”  So there is – it is probably broken.  He also noted the emerging Fall colors and made the observation that “Every season brings something different.”

Yesterday, I received a ring order I had placed on Etsy.  I have two small, silver rings on my finger – one with an initial T and one with an initial Q.  I was planning on ordering a N when she was born.  I didn’t think I could add a N and look at it every day, so instead, I ordered a thin silver band from the same artist with a heart stamped on the outside and her name inscribed on the inside.  I had to choke back sobs as I put it on, but it is perfect.