Hit Me

It hit me hard, and unexpectedly.  Friday evening, I was getting ready for bed and thought to myself “Today, I am 14 weeks, 1 day pregnant.  Nelle was born at 21 weeks, 1 day.  So I am 2/3 of the way as far as my last pregnancy.”  Somehow, thinking those words hit me like a torrential wave.  I began sobbing, so hard that I had to sit down on the bathroom floor.  I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I couldn’t stop.  I think I have been focusing so hard the past few weeks on mitigating the stress of this pregnancy that I have not allowed myself any moments to grieve.  But I sat on my floor, with as much pain as I felt in those first few hours and days after she was gone.  I thought how I never got to meet her, never got to know what she would be like.  I cried so hard that I eventually threw up.

The past few weeks have not been easy.  The nausea has subsided, but at 14 weeks I don’t feel movement yet, so I am back to the empty, wary feeling of “nothing.”  Hopefully I will start to feel movements soon.  I am apprehensive about the mid-pregnancy ultrasound, where we found out last time that something was wrong.  The swell of news around Zika virus terrified me for days until more information came out and I think now I have sufficiently calmed down.  Time creeps by.  Still so many weeks to go.

I tried to find some joy in memories.  My Timehop reminded me in January of when I first learned that I was pregnant with Theo.  I posted cryptic messages to Facebook, but now I look back and know what they meant.  Today’s post was “going to move out of the stinky kitchen” as I calculated I would have been probably about 7 weeks or so, and nausea was likely taking over.

And today marks a huge milestone – I celebrate 10 years with my employer today.  What a journey it has been.  When I first started, I was a newlywed and recent college graduate (only married 2 weeks prior and only graduating 6 weeks prior).

I think a long bath is calling my name tonight.

It feels like spring is around the corner.