I do not believe that “everything happens for a reason.” I do not really believe that anything happens for a “reason”. Life just happens. There is no reason that this happened to me or to my family.
My burden comes from seeing others. I am burdened by constant visualization a of people with their babies, or pregnant women. Happy, carefree people.
I have had horrible thoughts toward these people. I am so bitter that they have what I wanted, and still want. I watched through tears as several women gave birth around my due date with Nelle. Even pregnant with Iris at the time – it still stung. Now I will have to watch other pregnant mothers as I approach my due date with Iris. I can’t even look at photos on Facebook – I quickly hide the triggers from my news feed. But I know the information is still there, even when I cannot see it.
I know that I am not obligated to be happy for everyone in my life. But my bitterness is a heavy burden. I was caught very off balance by a woman recently, basking in her pregnancy and the ease with which she seemed to be pregnant. She had four beautiful children of her own, and was pregnant again with a fifth – as a surrogate for someone else. The news hit me hard and once again I had to be reminded of what I did not have and my pain. I could not be happy for her. Then she lost the baby. And the guilt consumed me. Never, in a million years would I wish my experience on anyone else. I wished I could take back all of my negative thoughts. I reached out and told her how sorry I was for her loss. And though every grief story is unique, that I understood her pain. And I cried for her. If she happens to ever read this, I want her to know how desperately sorry I am.
As I wrote this, the man next to me on the plane received a text. An ultrasound photo. Followed by another text with the words “our sweet baby girl.”
There is burden surrounding so many aspects in co-existing with pregnancies and babies. The burden is in accepting that life is sometimes grossly unfair.