People Don’t Understand

As another friend suffers through a miscarriage, the statistic “one in four” keeps popping up. One in four women will experience a miscarriage.  The more I hear that, the more I think “REALLY?  It seems much higher than that.”

I found a website that cited the statistic, saying that the number might be as high as 1 in 3.  The website had a copyright of 2004 – twelve years ago.

In one circle of friends, half of the women have had a pregnancy loss, at various stages. In another circle, there is pregnancy loss, infant loss, IVF and IUI. Nearly everyone in the second group has had some type of interactions with difficulty around pregnancy.

Kind of like the statistic that pregnancy loss after 9 weeks is really rare. REALLY?  Because I know a whole bunch of people in that category also.

It really makes me think “What the fuck is going on?”

I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent my losses, but I do wonder. Is something else going on in the environment that is leading to so many issues?  Something that is flying under the radar because there is not good tracking of pregnancy loss?  Or are we just more vocal, aware of it now than in the past?  I do not want to dwell on it, but the thought has crossed my mind, on numerous occasions. Something like a dystopian novel.

Last night I had a dream.  I was at a large table surrounded by people I knew. I was screaming “Why haven’t you asked how I’m doing?  Why haven’t you checked in with me?  Don’t you care?”  In my dream, I was so angry.  Awake, I know better. I can’t expect other people to dwell on my loss. It affected them for a moment, maybe long enough to say “I’m sorry.”  And then they moved back to their own lives.

I could share with my friend how little people understand the loss unless they have been through it.  How inconsiderate they can be.  And how quickly the world moves on, leaving only silence.  If I can pull any shred of good out of losing two babies, it is that I never EVER want anyone else to feel so alone.  We are a tribe.