I always wake up at least an hour before everyone else in this house. The other day, I was in the shower and just cried and cried. Missed my other babies so much and thought about everything I have been robbed. I stood in the silence of the morning, with only the running water, and couldn’t move.
Later that same afternoon, I was struck by panic. Heart racing in fear and unable to calm down. It has been several weeks since I have been gripped by that much overpowering fear. The only thing I could do was take a mid-afternoon bath. The soothing hot water allowed my anxiety to melt away in sweat.
Or the day I was sitting in my car, and I suddenly pictured the doctor handing me my baby. The same doctor who delivered Quentin; the same doctor who delivered Nelle. In my mind, in that future moment, I started crying. When Theo and Quentin were born, I did not cry. Photos immediately after the c-section delivery showed enormous smiles on our faces. But I often look forward to this upcoming delivery with mixed emotion and anticipation. Overwhelming happiness and overwhelming sadness.
I finally had to pack a hospital bag. Complete lack of planning could mean a hospital visit where I do not have what I need. My hospital stays when I delivered Nelle and Iris were like that. In shock, I had to call Ger and then send him to bring me a bag. Change of clothes, my glasses, my cell phone charger. Anything forgotten would mean that he would need to leave my side to run home and retrieve it, or do without. As I packed my bag, with a sharp ache I realized that a loss would also involve a hospital stay and I would still need the bag.
What do I need to bring a baby home? Not much, as I reminded Ger. I finally gathered my courage to go into the basement where the baby clothes have been stored. Clothes that belonged to Theo and Quentin, clothes that I had already sorted through for Nelle. Never got that far with Iris. I slid open the tote and grabbed the first onesie off the top of the pile. Shoved it into my hospital bag. There. Done.
Exactly four weeks to go.