I Am Going to Run Anyway

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The last time I ran in a 5k was in July of 2015.  I had been a semi-serious runner only for about two years, registering in enough 5k races between Spring and Fall to keep myself in shape.  I watched my time steadily improve and loved the exhilaration of finishing.  My favorite races were in downtown Chicago with thousands of other runners.  Between the city backdrop and the energy of the race, it was a rush. Continue reading

When the Work Isn’t Helpful

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Some things in life cannot be fixed.  They can only be carried.  -Megan Devine

I spent nearly two years with my first therapist learning how to carry my grief.  She let me talk about how I felt and gently probed deeper.  She wanted me to identify, label, and learn to be comfortable with my feelings – even if my feelings hurt.  We talked through upcoming situations so that I could learn to manage my response.  When I lost Iris, she hugged me tightly and said “I’m so sorry, hun.  This isn’t what I wanted for you.” Continue reading

Anticipating the Day

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Among the bereaved parents I know, we often say that the anticipation can be worse than the actual event.  Thinking about an upcoming baby shower or family gathering can bring on feelings of anxiety, sadness, frustration, or dread.  We mull over the scenes in our head, playing out confrontations, tears, or awkward silences.  Often, we can get so worked up and then the moment passes without the level of emotions that were expected.  And it gets easier over time to expect certain responses and manage them. Continue reading

Sickness Mixed with Memories

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Last night, my body felt foreign to me.

I have always had a sensitive stomach, and sometimes certain foods – whether by preparation, flavors, age, or some other unknown forces – cause my stomach to go into revolt.  Yesterday evening was one of those times.  After our fairly uninteresting dinner of gnocchi, marinara sauce, and garlic toast, I began to feel queasy, culminating in racing to the bathroom to vomit. Continue reading