My pediatrician did not know that I lost two babies. It was a timing issue mostly. Quentin has a March birthday, and I wasn’t pregnant yet when we went in for his Well Child visit. By September when it was time to take Theo in for his Well Child visit for his birthday, I had lost Nelle – just two weeks prior. I remember going into that appointment thinking “Do I say something? What would I say? It probably won’t come up.” And it didn’t.
I have been sending out Christmas cards since the first year Ger and I were married (so that was 11 Christmases ago…) I have a large, black wire card tree that lovingly holds all of the cards we receive in return. By the end of the season, my tree is full and I feel that my heart is also full to have so many wonderful people in our lives. Continue reading
Continuing my thoughts around rainbow babies…
We were looking through our family photos, including the ones where Autumn is wearing her rainbow onesie. I said to Theo “Autumn is wearing a rainbow outfit, because she is a rainbow baby.” Pause. “When does a rainbow happen?” Continue reading
For the last time, I have packed away zero-to-three-month baby clothes.
When I packed away Theo’s clothing, it was with a lot of eagerness. My baby boy was growing! On to the next stage! With Quentin, I thought nothing of it. There were no immediate plans for a third child, but I assumed it would be “someday” so everything was folded and stored in labeled totes. After losing both Nelle and Iris, and packing away some of Quentin’s much larger clothing as he outgrew it, I thought “What if that was the last time I was going to ever pack away baby clothes, and I didn’t know it? What if Quentin was my last baby, and I missed savoring all of those ‘last time I will do this EVER’ moments?” Continue reading
It is 3:00 am and I am staring into my baby’s very-alert face, willing her to go back to sleep. As her steely-blue eyes stare back at me, I thought of Iris. My baby that was supposed to be my rainbow baby. How much I wanted her, after losing Nelle. How Autumn would not exist if Iris had lived. It is all such a complicated story of “them” and “her.” “Here” and “not here.” Continue reading