Shattered Dreams

“She felt as if the mosaic she had been assembling out of life’s little shards got dumped to the ground, and there was no way to put it back together.”  -Anne Lamott

I wondered when it would hit me.  The days had been passing in a blur of color and activity and I barely had time to pause. Continue reading

Wonder and Sorrow

That was long ago. Today neither of them is alive….
O my love, where are they, where are they going….
I ask not out of sorrow, but in wonder.
-Czeslaw Milosz

Today.  The day the course of our lives changed.  Two years ago today was the day that we learned that Nelle was growth restricted.  I wrote about it on this day last year, so uncertain at the time what the future held for us.   Continue reading

Rebirth

And just like that, she was born. Autumn Nadine Taws. It was the moment I hardly dared to picture. 

Someone I love wrote to me earlier this week: “When your new one is safely in your arms, you will know that you have been on a hero’s journey and have touched shore.”  And what a long journey it has been.

After two losses, it agonizing to decide whether or not to continue along the path to a third child, but we did, and now she’s here, nearly two years after we were forced down a route that we could not imagine. She is my “chance” baby, taking a chance, a third chance at a third child. Baby Three.

Her middle name, Nadine, means “hope.” It was that hope that got us to this place. Holding our baby. 

Life Decision

“Mommy is this our last baby?”
Yes, this is our last baby, I responded to Quentin. 
“But what if this baby dies?”
Then it will just be you and Theo. 
“And then we would be really sad?”

I have unintentionally drawn a line between my pregnancies. I noticed it when writing the other day. I referred to my “previous pregnancies” but I meant only my pregnancies with Nelle and Iris. I wasn’t referring to my pregnancies with Theo and Quentin.

Now I need to make another decision: do I want a tubal ligation with my c-section? Continue reading

Hard to Shift

… the past is so hard to shift. It comes with us like a chaperone, standing between us and the newness of the present – the new chance. -Jeanette Winterson

Ger asked me the other night if we could just pretend that everything will be fine.  I swallowed and said sure. Certain planning items are getting hard to ignore. He said “Ok, then let’s pick out a crib.”  We do not have a crib.  When we moved to this house nearly four years ago, we had to disassemble the crib for the movers.  Ger then lost the entire bag of screws to put it back together.  At the time, we had no idea if we were going to have a third baby or not. Quentin was 17 months old, so instead we just moved him into a toddler bed.  Now writing this I realized that my c-section date is scheduled for exactly four years since we closed on this house: August 8th. 08/08.  I like signs and I feel like that is a good one, though I still hope it will be sooner.

Continue reading