An Unease with Mother’s Day

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Motherhood is complicated.  Mother’s Day is complicated.  Other holidays have all kinds of triggers for those that are grieving.  Christmas can be a time of forced joy when all that’s felt is pain.  Thanksgiving centers around being thankful, when often sentiments are far from that place.  But no other holiday is as dedicated and blatant as Mother’s Day for a mother who has lost a child.  The day when her motherhood is put under the spotlight, with a crowd cheering “Be happy!  Be appreciated!  YOU ARE A MOM!” Continue reading

When Two Years Have Passed

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After taking a few months off, I went to SHARE last night.  I found that while Autumn was still a very young baby, it was too difficult to support other loss parents while simultaneously struggling with having a rainbow baby at home and the emotions that followed the daily ins and outs.  Now that Autumn has reached eight months, I felt that I was in a place where I could go to a meeting and not feel drained for days following. Continue reading

Dear Theodosia, What To Say To You?

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Dear Theodosia, what to say to you?
You have my eyes
You have your mother’s name
When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart
I’m dedicating every day to you….
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
-From ‘Hamilton’

Autumn is eight months old today.  Born on the 8th day of the 8th month and now 8 months old.  She is sturdy and growing and I no longer fear that something will happen to a fragile infant.  We thought that our two big kids were happy as babies, but she knocks them out of the park in terms of always smiling and laughing.  As Theo likes to say, “I think Autumn loves her little life.” Continue reading

Reflections on the Year

I always pause to reflect and write on the close of the year.  I used to set goals for myself, resolutions, and then look back and year and and see how I did.  Headed into 2016 and 2017, I had only one thought: to have a healthy pregnancy and bring a baby home.  It was inconceivable to me in 2016 that I would lose Iris, after having lost Nelle only a few months before, but there it was and I headed into another year with the same, singular thought in 2017.  It occurred to me that I would have had a similar thought headed into 2015, thinking about becoming pregnant that year.  It never occurred to me back then that I needed to specify “and have a healthy pregnancy and actually bring my baby home.” Continue reading

Shattered Dreams

“She felt as if the mosaic she had been assembling out of life’s little shards got dumped to the ground, and there was no way to put it back together.”  -Anne Lamott

I wondered when it would hit me.  The days had been passing in a blur of color and activity and I barely had time to pause. Continue reading