Reflecting on Time and Energy

IMG_1757

At the end of every year, I reflect and look forward to what lies ahead.  I am one of those people who tends to set goals for myself, usually small and incremental.  Or at least that used to be the case before Nelle died and I spent Christmas of 2015 and 2016 with only one thought: for a healthy pregnancy.  The months following Christmas of 2015 brought only more heartache in losing Iris, and while the months following Christmas of 2016 ushered in nearly unmanageable anxiety, at the end of that pregnancy I brought my rainbow baby home. Continue reading

Out With One Month, In With Another

IMG_5874

September always seems to be a hard month. It starts out brutal on the 3rd, the day that we found out that Nelle’s heart had stopped beating. Her birthday on the fourth. Replaying those early days over and over, each year passing and remembering those early days of grief. Then reaching Theo’s birthday and feeling the contradiction of celebrating another year of his life, while missing hers. Continue reading

In Honor of a Father

img_3197

This past weekend was Father’s Day.  Celebration, reflection, and sometimes hard.  I cannot make it through Mother’s Day without thinking about the two babies that we lost.  How can I not, when their birthdays are tattooed on my back, an ever-present reminder that I have five children?  I need a day of distractions. Continue reading

The Moments I Missed

IMG_2781

The other morning, I was playing with Autumn on the floor.  She had a toy where you push a button, or turn a knob, and an animal pops up.  It was a new toy, and she was trying to work through how to make each of the animals appear.  I would show her, wait a few moments for her to process what had happened, push the animal back down, and wait a few moments again to see if she could figure it out for herself. Continue reading

An Unease with Mother’s Day

2015-05-06 18.08.43-1.jpg

Motherhood is complicated.  Mother’s Day is complicated.  Other holidays have all kinds of triggers for those that are grieving.  Christmas can be a time of forced joy when all that’s felt is pain.  Thanksgiving centers around being thankful, when often sentiments are far from that place.  But no other holiday is as dedicated and blatant as Mother’s Day for a mother who has lost a child.  The day when her motherhood is put under the spotlight, with a crowd cheering “Be happy!  Be appreciated!  YOU ARE A MOM!” Continue reading