Five

Nelle’s birthday did not arrive slowly as it has in past years. Usually, I could feel the weight of the day creeping up on me. It would be September. I would start to look ahead to our annual trip to the coulee, and the tree where we scattered her ashes. So there was planning, preparation, and looking ahead to her birthday.

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Saying Goodbye to Libby

2020-08-04 Saying Goodbye to a Beloved Pet

Libby: 08/25/2007 – 08/04/2020

I knew as an adult that I would have a cat.  I grew up with cats.  As soon as Ger and I moved into an apartment that allowed pets in 2008, we adopted two 4-month-old kittens from a local shelter.  Huge fans of the tv show “LOST” at the time, we named the kittens Hurley and Libby. Continue reading

My Vilomah

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September is always a hard month for me.  I hit Nelle’s birthday on September 4th, and then spend the rest of the month being reminded of how hard that first month in that first year was.  How I spent days on end crying on the bathroom floor, with my back against the tub and my head pressed against my knees.  It was a dense fog of survival, followed by stumbling through Theo’s birthday a few weeks later.  A true testament to parenting: putting aside my own feelings, however anguished, to celebrate another one of my children.  Continue reading

Practicing Gratitude in Many Ways

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I began seeing a therapist, Alexia, five days after Nelle was stillborn.  I remember making the phone call to a counseling services group that had been recommended to me and when asked for the reason for wanting the appointment I had to say the words out loud “Because… because my baby died.”  The person on the other end of the phone gave the immediate, automatic “Oh, I’m so sorry….” Ger and I went to the first appointment together but then I began to see Alexia alone. Continue reading