The Night That Fear Won

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I woke around midnight, cold and sore.  The chill in my body felt feverish.  Unearthing myself from the covers to turn on the small space heater seemed torture.  Drinking icy water from the stainless steel water bottle near by med felt like torture.  And I wanted to go check on Autumn, but couldn’t make my muscles cooperate. Continue reading

Pumpkin Habits

2017-10-31 Pumpkin Habits

Two years ago, four pumpkins sat outside of our house.  Four were round, smooth, and orange.  Two were a bluish color and lumpy.  We had lost Nelle at the onset of Fall that year.  It wasn’t intentional, but I looked at those pumpkins and thought “Six.  Four living people.  One blue pumpkin for Nelle.  And one blue pumpkin for our next baby.”  Of course, I had no way of knowing at that time that we would lose our next baby too.  Now I think back to the pumpkins that year and think: Six.  Four living.  Two dead. Continue reading

Avoiding New Material


In late August 2015, I stopped reading new books.  I couldn’t do anything, really.  I had learned that my baby, at 20 weeks of pregnancy, was measuring way too small.  After initially feeling confused and a bit scared in the doctor’s office, waiting for test results and the next appointment were unbearable. My mind volleyed back and forth between “everything will be fine” and “my pregnancy is over.”  Mostly, I felt the latter.  I knew in my gut, though the doctor was careful in her explanation, that the severity of the growth restriction meant no positive outcome for my pregnancy.  Continue reading

Aiming for the Same

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My pediatrician doesn’t know that I lost two babies.  It was timing, really.  Quentin and Theo have birthdays in March and September.  I had only lost Nelle a few weeks before Theo’s well-child visit in the Fall and there was no reason to bring it up at his appointment.  Then lost Iris before Quentin’s visit in the Spring. I was a few months pregnant with Autumn at the March appointment this year but, as I ended up doing throughout the pregnancy, said nothing out of fear that something would go wrong.  I think it was a big surprise for the pediatrician when we showed up for an appointment with a five-day-old newborn. Continue reading