Breaking Up is Hard to Do

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I began seeing a therapist a week after Nelle died.  I saw Alexia through becoming pregnant again, and then losing Iris.  I remember so clearly telling her in a session that something didn’t feel right during my pregnancy.  She told me to tell myself “stop it” as a way to stave off negative thoughts.  To use positive self-talk and say “I can get through anything.”  A few days later, I was emailing her, asking her if I could come in sooner than my regular appointment, because we had lost Iris.  At the end of that session, she hugged me so tightly and said “I’m so sorry, hun.  This isn’t what I wanted for you.” Continue reading

What I Failed to Teach

20190-08-26 What I Failed to Teach

Photo by Tiffany Nutt on Unsplash

Yesterday afternoon, the doorbell rang.  It was in the middle of “quiet time” in our house, so Autumn was napping and Theo was down in his basement bedroom.  Ger and Quentin were out spending some time together at an arcade.  I figured that it was an Amazon delivery, but when I looked at the live camera from our Ring, I saw that it was a neighbor kid with his bike.  I went down to answer the door. Continue reading

The Lie

2019-06-25 The Lie

I could not handle the day.  I had no energy.  It was one of those days where I simultaneously  expect the world to be accommodating, and know that they will not understand.  Too many weights on my shoulders about the future, and too many triggers this week about the past. Continue reading

Recognizing That Reaction

2019-06-11 Recognizing that Reaction

About a month ago, I went through a very intense experience involving mental health.  Without going into details, I had to make some decisions, in the middle of the night, that I knew were going to have a lasting impact on the people involved.  I feared for my personal safety, and the safety of the people around me. Continue reading

A Moment at the Theater

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The past few weeks have been emotionally tough.  The news has been a constant barrage of silencing, dismissing, berating, or blaming women who are trying to share their stories.  It is draining, on many levels.  While I have never experienced sexual assault that is at the center of the discourse, I can empathize with being told that my experience is not worthy or valid.  Feeling rejected.  Feeling that I have to hold my stories inside.  It is challenging to want to show support and listen to the stories, without simultaneously wanting to crawl into a hole and hide from the vicious, unfeeling attacks. Continue reading