Behind the Photographs



Every morning, I look at my “On This Day” from Facebook, usually right up there with reading the news and checking the weather.  I have thirteen years’ worth of history to scroll through.  As I look at photos, I usually try to remember the situation, event, feelings, or why I decided to snap a picture at that time.  There is a lot that the captions don’t tell and often little context for day-to-day activities. Continue reading

When Memories Bring Tears


Robert Frost said “No tears for the writer, no tears for the reader.”

It has been over twenty months since Nelle was born and still, still there moments when I cry because I miss her so much.  I miss her because she was my baby, my child, and she isn’t here.  She.  Isn’t.  Here.  Even typing those words, I have tears streaming down my face and my throat hurt with the pain that comes from gasping between breaths. Continue reading

Reflections On Medical Care


Recently, I asked Sue if she remembered the first time that we spoke.

“It was on the phone,” I said, “And I screamed at you.”

Sue is the perinatal bereavement coordinator at the hospital where I delivered Nelle and Iris, and also a labor and delivery nurse.  While I was in labor with Nelle, her name came up over and over.  “Sue’s not working today, but you should really talk to her.”  The nurses, the social worker – everyone kept telling me that I should speak with her.  My only thought was “Well she’s not here.”  I was handed a folder of information on What To Do When Your Baby Dies.  It included a list of funeral homes, information on depression, and a brochure about the hospital’s support group, SHARE.  I threw the folder away. Continue reading

Another Name for the Book


Part of seeing a new therapist means rehashing many details of my life, and over the past few years, grief. I saw my previous therapist for two years. During the first session, I had to share with her all of the details of how we lost Nelle. I had a session the day after I found out I was pregnant with Iris. She gave me the tightest hug after I lost Iris saying “This isn’t what I wanted for you.” She heard a recap of every doctor’s visit. Every stressful moment during my final pregnancy. And when Autumn was born, I brought her to a session. Continue reading