Behind the Photographs

 

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Every morning, I look at my “On This Day” from Facebook, usually right up there with reading the news and checking the weather.  I have thirteen years’ worth of history to scroll through.  As I look at photos, I usually try to remember the situation, event, feelings, or why I decided to snap a picture at that time.  There is a lot that the captions don’t tell and often little context for day-to-day activities. Continue reading

When Memories Bring Tears

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Robert Frost said “No tears for the writer, no tears for the reader.”

It has been over twenty months since Nelle was born and still, still there moments when I cry because I miss her so much.  I miss her because she was my baby, my child, and she isn’t here.  She.  Isn’t.  Here.  Even typing those words, I have tears streaming down my face and my throat hurt with the pain that comes from gasping between breaths. Continue reading

Reflections On Medical Care

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Recently, I asked Sue if she remembered the first time that we spoke.

“It was on the phone,” I said, “And I screamed at you.”

Sue is the perinatal bereavement coordinator at the hospital where I delivered Nelle and Iris, and also a labor and delivery nurse.  While I was in labor with Nelle, her name came up over and over.  “Sue’s not working today, but you should really talk to her.”  The nurses, the social worker – everyone kept telling me that I should speak with her.  My only thought was “Well she’s not here.”  I was handed a folder of information on What To Do When Your Baby Dies.  It included a list of funeral homes, information on depression, and a brochure about the hospital’s support group, SHARE.  I threw the folder away. Continue reading

Another Name for the Book

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Part of seeing a new therapist means rehashing many details of my life, and over the past few years, grief. I saw my previous therapist for two years. During the first session, I had to share with her all of the details of how we lost Nelle. I had a session the day after I found out I was pregnant with Iris. She gave me the tightest hug after I lost Iris saying “This isn’t what I wanted for you.” She heard a recap of every doctor’s visit. Every stressful moment during my final pregnancy. And when Autumn was born, I brought her to a session. Continue reading