Anticipating the Day

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Among the bereaved parents I know, we often say that the anticipation can be worse than the actual event.  Thinking about an upcoming baby shower or family gathering can bring on feelings of anxiety, sadness, frustration, or dread.  We mull over the scenes in our head, playing out confrontations, tears, or awkward silences.  Often, we can get so worked up and then the moment passes without the level of emotions that were expected.  And it gets easier over time to expect certain responses and manage them. Continue reading

The Hardest Things I Have Ever Done

The hardest thing I have ever done was watch my home of joy and laughter turn into a house haunted by nightmares and pain.  Ghosts visit the quietness of a Sunday afternoon, creeping into the sunlight as a reminder that there is a hole in my heart.  The most taunting of the voices whisper “You wanted this.  You wanted this.  You got what you wanted.”  The house with three living children.  I never specified that three children should come from three pregnancies – a one-to-one correlation.  Three children from five pregnancies was the cruel answer to my unknowingly vague prayer. Continue reading

Remember Me

When I first saw previews for Coco, it didn’t really strike me as a movie we would run out to see. Then the rave reviews started coming in. Reading some of them online, I knew I wanted to take the kids to see it. One reviewer wrote “If an animated movie is going to offer children a way to process death, it’s hard to envision a more spirited, touching and breezily entertaining example than Coco.” (Robert Abele, TheWrap) Continue reading

Change in Plans

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For the past few weeks, I have been doing well. There is an enjoyment to the holiday season that I haven’t been able to feel for the past two years. I have a sweet, smiley baby. Two older kids that are so excited for all of the Christmas activities we have planned. Events that we have attended as a family – just enough, not too much. The winter days have been mild. Continue reading