On Being a Witness

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Last night was my support group and I didn’t want to go.  I had gone to dinner with friends the night before and was out past my bedtime.  I could feel a sore throat coming on and wasn’t feeling well.  Rather than going and listening to the other parents share their stories about losing their babies, I really wanted to curl up in bed and watch Project Runway. Continue reading

The Hardest Things I Have Ever Done

The hardest thing I have ever done was watch my home of joy and laughter turn into a house haunted by nightmares and pain.  Ghosts visit the quietness of a Sunday afternoon, creeping into the sunlight as a reminder that there is a hole in my heart.  The most taunting of the voices whisper “You wanted this.  You wanted this.  You got what you wanted.”  The house with three living children.  I never specified that three children should come from three pregnancies – a one-to-one correlation.  Three children from five pregnancies was the cruel answer to my unknowingly vague prayer. Continue reading

Triggers, Loud and Soft

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Last week, I attended a Share meeting.  I found myself the “furthest out” in the room: the most time had passed since my loss.  Now heading toward three years ago this September since Nelle was born.  I was that voice from the “other side”: somehow survived.  The days are not awful.  The moments come and go, but are not constant. Continue reading

A New Permanence

I got my first tattoo five months after losing Iris.  Eight days before her due date.  I wanted to carry an acknowledgment of all of my children.  After perusing photos online of various tributes from parents, I found one and it was perfect: birth dates, done in a square formation and typewriter font, in the upper part of my back.  It was simple and I could show or hide it as I pleased.  I used a tattoo artist that a friend recommended, at a little hole-in-the-wall shop several suburbs away. Continue reading

Planning a Party

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Photo by Katya Austin on Unsplash

After learning that I was pregnant with Nelle, I created a “secret board” on Pinterest called Baby Girl.  I added photos of nursery designs, parenting ninja moves I wanted to try “this time around,” baby gear I knew I would need – a wide assortment associated with the excitement of planning for a baby.  Included in my collection were ideas for a first birthday party. Continue reading