Six Weeks and Weary

2017-09-21 Six Weeks and Weary

My six-week postpartum appointment was this morning.  It felt like a definitive “end” to such a long journey.  No more pregnancy-related appointments, ever.  I spent time picking out what to wear, as if I wanted to convey “See?  Even five years older, tired, and dealing with a baby after loss, I can still bounce back!”  The medical staff would not even notice my effort.  It was more of an assurance for myself. Continue reading

Dream On


I have had so many bad dreams. The one that reoccurred the most was a doctor telling me that something was wrong, or that I had lost a baby, followed by me screaming “No. No. NO!”  I would wake from fitful sleep, often drenched in sweat or tangled in my blankets. Continue reading

Giving Permission


It is 3:00 am and I just finished feeding my baby. Not because she woke up crying and hungry. But because I wanted and needed to be with her.

I had met a friend for dinner. Tucked the big kids in so that I was not leaving Ger to fend for himself with three kids at bedtime. There was pumped milk in the fridge. I spent a few hours away. Even had a glass of wine, a first in a long time. And the first time leaving the baby for “fun” versus out of necessity like running an errand or taekwondo class.   Continue reading

The Dash


For my friend’s son, Lucas: September 8, 2016 – September 9, 2016.

When we die, our tombstone will have the date of our birth and the date of our death. And in between those two dates is a simple dash. This small punctuation mark represents our entire life.

This week has been a series of reminders. There was the memory of the moment when I was told by the doctor that Nelle was gone. There was the memory of her birth. Today, Autumn turned one month old, a spot of joy. Milestones of both birth and loss. And there was a reminder that people grieve differently. Continue reading

Physical Grief


How physical my missing is. An entire body experience.

I anticipated that parenting after loss would be hard. I had moments of intense sadness looking at my living baby girl and thinking about my other two baby girls. Outside of those moments, I had been fairly even-keel. But this week, and passing the day that Nelle was born has thrown me decidedly off balance. Continue reading