Forever Children

This week, Autumn turned three months old.  Based on my due dates, Nelle would be 22 months and Iris would be sixteen-and-a-half months.  But Autumn is older than they will ever be.  Once I passed 16 weeks, 1 day of pregnancy, and 21 weeks, 1 day of pregnancy, Autumn will always be older. Continue reading

Allhallowtide, Passed

For the past two years, I have attended All Souls’ Day mass on November 2nd.  It is part of the Allhallowtide Triduum, beginning with All Hallow’s Eve, All Saints’ Day, and then All Souls’ Day.  Barely two months after Nelle was born, it was the first time I had set foot in a church after we had lost her.  The following year, I had lost both Nelle and Iris and still did not know what the future would hold for us.  It gave me a strong sense of community to be around other people who were thinking and praying for their loved ones.  In that type of situation, I always look around, trying to find the signs of grief on the faces of others.  While people were gripping their candles, or sometimes holding hands with those near them, I did not always see the tracks of tears, even though, for the third year in a row, mine flowed freely.   Continue reading

Pumpkin Habits

2017-10-31 Pumpkin Habits

Two years ago, four pumpkins sat outside of our house.  Four were round, smooth, and orange.  Two were a bluish color and lumpy.  We had lost Nelle at the onset of Fall that year.  It wasn’t intentional, but I looked at those pumpkins and thought “Six.  Four living people.  One blue pumpkin for Nelle.  And one blue pumpkin for our next baby.”  Of course, I had no way of knowing at that time that we would lose our next baby too.  Now I think back to the pumpkins that year and think: Six.  Four living.  Two dead. Continue reading

Say Her Name


“Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?”  -Terry Pritchett

For Nelle’s birthday in September this year, I made a donation to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation.  For parents that want it, the gift of remembrance photography is a beautiful one.  Even though we chose not to do photos with Nelle or Iris, I think that the mission of NILMDTS is an important one.  Many of the parents I have come to know treasure the photos of their babies, as much as I treasure the footprints I have of my girls.  It seemed like the perfect gift in honor of her. Continue reading

Avoiding New Material

In late August 2015, I stopped reading new books.  I couldn’t do anything, really.  I had learned that my baby, at 20 weeks of pregnancy, was measuring way too small.  After initially feeling confused and a bit scared in the doctor’s office, waiting for test results and the next appointment were unbearable. My mind volleyed back and forth between “everything will be fine” and “my pregnancy is over.”  Mostly, I felt the latter.  I knew in my gut, though the doctor was careful in her explanation, that the severity of the growth restriction meant no positive outcome for my pregnancy.  Continue reading