Six Weeks and Weary

2017-09-21 Six Weeks and Weary

My six-week postpartum appointment was this morning.  It felt like a definitive “end” to such a long journey.  No more pregnancy-related appointments, ever.  I spent time picking out what to wear, as if I wanted to convey “See?  Even five years older, tired, and dealing with a baby after loss, I can still bounce back!”  The medical staff would not even notice my effort.  It was more of an assurance for myself. Continue reading

Dream On

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I have had so many bad dreams. The one that reoccurred the most was a doctor telling me that something was wrong, or that I had lost a baby, followed by me screaming “No. No. NO!”  I would wake from fitful sleep, often drenched in sweat or tangled in my blankets. Continue reading

Giving Permission

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It is 3:00 am and I just finished feeding my baby. Not because she woke up crying and hungry. But because I wanted and needed to be with her.

I had met a friend for dinner. Tucked the big kids in so that I was not leaving Ger to fend for himself with three kids at bedtime. There was pumped milk in the fridge. I spent a few hours away. Even had a glass of wine, a first in a long time. And the first time leaving the baby for “fun” versus out of necessity like running an errand or taekwondo class.   Continue reading

The Dash

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For my friend’s son, Lucas: September 8, 2016 – September 9, 2016.

When we die, our tombstone will have the date of our birth and the date of our death. And in between those two dates is a simple dash. This small punctuation mark represents our entire life.

This week has been a series of reminders. There was the memory of the moment when I was told by the doctor that Nelle was gone. There was the memory of her birth. Today, Autumn turned one month old, a spot of joy. Milestones of both birth and loss. And there was a reminder that people grieve differently. Continue reading

Physical Grief

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How physical my missing is. An entire body experience.

I anticipated that parenting after loss would be hard. I had moments of intense sadness looking at my living baby girl and thinking about my other two baby girls. Outside of those moments, I had been fairly even-keel. But this week, and passing the day that Nelle was born has thrown me decidedly off balance. Continue reading