Time Capsule

I began blogging in October of 2009 as a way to capture my life as a parent.  I have been on social media even longer, since 2005.

My own content has become a digital time capsule.  I am forced to look into it, day after day.  And now – it shows where I was, every inch of the way, over the past year.  Yesterday, it was the first post I wrote about losing Nelle.  The day before, it was the link to her obituary.

On September 5th, 2015 (the day after she was born), I posted on Twitter:

I will come to you in the silence / I will lift you from all your fear / You will hear my voice / Be still and know I am here.

On September 5th, 2016, a writer I admire, Glennon Doyle Melton wrote a post that included these words:

All is well.  And shall be well.  And all manner of things shall be well.  And also this one.
Be Still and Know I that I am God.
Be Still and Know.
Be Still.
Be.

Same words, read twice in one day.  Be Still and Know.  A phrase that I have not repeated enough to myself lately, as I feel my mind and insides churning with a new waterfall of grieving at the one-year mark.  Be Still and Know.  It is engraved into one of my MantraBands.  Be Still and Know.

Be Still.  The time capsule of my memories are going to come rushing at me, constantly, in the upcoming weeks and months.  The past few months have been a small reprieve but now I am going to need to face the memories.  Where I was at this time last year.  One week after she was gone.  One month after she was gone.

And Know.  Know that it is still an ongoing process and there is no timetable.  Know that while I often feel like the universe has shoved me down and kicked me, that there are bright spots as well, reminding me that the universe is looking out.  Someone who squeezed my hand when I needed it.  Someone who met me for a frantic last-minute, late-night cup of coffee.  Someone who listened to my anger.  Someone who provided me with a distraction.

Be.

And let that be enough for now.

Conversation with a Stranger

I went to yoga yesterday.  After the emotions of the weekend, I was not sure that I was ready to go back and put that much energy into 90 minutes, but I forced myself to go.  The instructor was one of the more interactive: she constantly offers encouragement and corrections during the dialogue.  During Standing Separate Leg Stretching pose (Dandytamana – Bibhaktaeada – Paschimottanasana), she came over to me and kept saying “lock your knees, lock your knees, there you go – you got it!”  The exertion caused a cramp in my leg, so I had to sit out the next posture, but then I picked myself up and kept going. Continue reading

Layers and Layers

I still remember what I wore that day.  September 3rd, 2015.  I had on a new-ish red maternity shirt, and khaki maternity shorts because it was warm.  I knew that I had a stash of maternity shirts somewhere that I had been unable to locate, so I had begrudgingly bought a few while I continued to search.  I went to the appointment nervous, after the alarming ultrasound of the previous week, with a list of questions about what intrauterine growth restriction meant, and what were the possible outcomes.  I never got that far into my appointment. Continue reading

A Houseplant is Dying

After we lost Nelle, I was sent a beautiful plant as a gift.

It was from work.  My boss actually asked me if I wanted flowers or something else, and I suggested a plant.  Something that would keep living.  I really have a hard time keeping plants alive, but I was determined to take care of this one.  I carefully watered it. Continue reading