The Lie

2019-06-25 The Lie

I could not handle the day.  I had no energy.  It was one of those days where I simultaneously  expect the world to be accommodating, and know that they will not understand.  Too many weights on my shoulders about the future, and too many triggers this week about the past. Continue reading

Anger

2016-12-01 Anger

I cannot write into anger today, because that’s not the place that I’m in.  At least not today.

My most profound anger came after losing Iris.  After losing Nelle, I was mostly just sad.  Devastated.  Shocked.  And quickly had to pick up the pieces when I became pregnant again.  When it happened a second time, with no known cause, then I was angry.  It wasn’t fair and we didn’t deserve it. Continue reading

Betrayal

2016-06-02 Betrayal

Over the past several months, people have said things to me in the realm of “you’re so strong” or “you are handling this so well” or “you have inspired me.”  Most of the time I feel undeserving, bandaged together by medication and therapy, hardly like I am handling this “on my own.”  Lately, I have felt particularly undeserving.  I have been using retail therapy to counteract depression, mostly since February, and finally acknowledged that I needed to stop. Continue reading