The Day That Should Be Hers

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The day crept up.  Stealth-like.  Amid fatigue, snow days, and household winter illnesses, I looked at the calendar and realized that it was February 12th.  The day that we found out that Iris had no heartbeat.  After 14 hours of labor, she was born on February 13th at 7:42 am. Continue reading

The Rumbling

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The first book I read after Nelle died in September of 2015 was Rising Strong by Brene Brown.  It was exactly what I needed at that time.  Brown talks about three parts of the rising strong process:  the Reckoning, the Rumble, and the Revolution.  Of the rumble, she writes:  “The rumble begins with turning up our curiosity level and becoming aware of the story we’re telling ourselves about our hurt, anger, frustration, or pain.”  Continue reading

Anticipating the Day

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Among the bereaved parents I know, we often say that the anticipation can be worse than the actual event.  Thinking about an upcoming baby shower or family gathering can bring on feelings of anxiety, sadness, frustration, or dread.  We mull over the scenes in our head, playing out confrontations, tears, or awkward silences.  Often, we can get so worked up and then the moment passes without the level of emotions that were expected.  And it gets easier over time to expect certain responses and manage them. Continue reading

Reliving a Year

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I have had a pit in my stomach over the past few weeks.  I finally realized that I was reliving a lot of the anxiety I felt in the days leading up to her birth: a gnawing fear that something would happen.  This time, I feared that she would never reach one year old, instead of the fear that she wouldn’t be born healthy.  I envisioned a car accident, the day before her birthday, that would take her life.  I imagined the words that people would ask me, like “How old was your daughter when she died?” and I would have to forever respond “It was the day before her first birthday.”  Never able to say “I have a one year old daughter.” Continue reading