Dream On

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I have had so many bad dreams. The one that reoccurred the most was a doctor telling me that something was wrong, or that I had lost a baby, followed by me screaming “No. No. NO!”  I would wake from fitful sleep, often drenched in sweat or tangled in my blankets. Continue reading

Carry The Belief

Use the belief others have in you until you are strong enough to carry that same belief in yourself.

Last night, I said to Ger “I’m doing ok.”  Then I woke up shortly before midnight, drenched in sweat, and realized “I’m really not ok.”  It is now five days. And by the end of the day, it will be four and a half.  Continue reading

Battle On

“We must try not to sink beneath our anguish… but battle on.”  -Albus Dumbedore, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

In almost every SHARE meeting, it comes up: the innocence of pregnancy has been stolen from us.  There are no “normal” appointments.  There are no “easy” conversations about how we feel.  I open the Baby Center app installed on my phone to do kick counts and I see the cute drawings of plump babies, or the smiling, leisurely photos of women.  I have contempt for their complacency and cringe when I read about pregnancy complaints.  I can barely allow myself to have any complaints of my own, without feeling guilty.  The final few weeks should be excitement; instead, still fear, anxiety, and pragmatic planning. Continue reading

Going Alone

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So many of my appointments are solo visits.  I waver back and forth between wanting Ger there, and thinking “I should be able to do this alone. If this were a normal pregnancy, I would be able to go alone.”  In the back of my mind, I still have an inkling of blame, where I feel like this is my cross to bear: my body that failed, therefore I need to take on all of the burden of the pregnancy, and not make it harder for him.

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