The Night That Fear Won


I woke around midnight, cold and sore.  The chill in my body felt feverish.  Unearthing myself from the covers to turn on the small space heater seemed torture.  Drinking icy water from the stainless steel water bottle near by med felt like torture.  And I wanted to go check on Autumn, but couldn’t make my muscles cooperate. Continue reading

My Mind Was Reeling

I had to drive to Madison today, to inspect the condo we still own after the tenants moved out two days ago.  I also meeting a painter there to discuss repairs and necessary repainting.  We did “divide and conquer” so I only had Quentin in me for the two-and-a-half hour drive in each direction.

About thirty minutes in the drive, I felt weird.  My abdomen and uterus were uncomfortable.  I should have chalked it up to normal pregnancy sensations, but my mind immediately went elsewhere.  I decided that it was the same feeling that I had right before I went into labor with Quentin.  I had an internal debate with myself, trying to tell my own mind that it was not possible for me to remember that pre-labor feeling, as that was over five years ago.  I started to feel nauseous, but it was unclear if this was symptom of my body, or a symptom of my mind.  The back of my neck felt cold and I began to chill all over.

My mind began to think quickly.  I could drive to the hospital in Madison. What would I say?  That I felt weird?  Then I remembered what we talked about in my support group: the hospital staff do not have to live with these feelings.  I do.  What if I were admitted?  Ger could leave Theo with friends in our area, but what about Quentin?  I looked back at his sweet face, absorbed in watching a movie.  I still have friends in Madison, I reasoned.  Someone would take him.  But I imagined sitting with him, as I was hooked up to an ultrasound or heart rate monitor.  How would I explain?

The sensation started to ebb and flow.  I reasoned that upon arrival I would walk around the condo. If it disappeared, no reason to be concerned.  If it didn’t, the hospital was only a few minutes away. Or should I not waste time, and go directly to the hospital?  I ran through the statistics in my mind. One day shy of 27 weeks, 90% chance of survival.

I lifted my shirt and put my hand directly on my abdomen, waiting anxiously for movement. Nothing.  I looked at the clock. 31 minutes until arrival. Wasn’t it just 21 minutes last time I looked?  No, 21 miles. Straight to the hospital, I reasoned, unless I felt kicking.  Several more minutes passed. Then there it was, a kick. Several in a row.  I made a decision and went to the condo. By the time I got out, I was feeling completely normal.  The odd feeling had passed.

After meeting with painter, we got back in the car to go home. Before I left, I pulled over in a parking lot. I lay my driver’s seat completely flat to do a full set of kick counts, just to be sure before I started a full drive home. I thought surely Quentin would ask what I was up to, but he was completely absorbed in his movie again. Within fifteen minutes, I had reached the necessary ten kicks and felt comfortable that I could drive home. 

Spiritual Understanding

Recently, a friend drew an oracle card for me: spiritual understanding.  Pay attention to the signs, information that comes to you.  I have been watching.  Then another friend posted this the other day:  Spring equinox will bring a brand new celestial chapter into your life.  The challenges you’ve been facing the last season are about to be behind you.  As you draw nearer, a new phase in life is about to unfold like the petals of a lotus. Continue reading


A few weeks before our wedding, I was in a car accident where I was not at fault: another driver ran a stop sign and hit my car on the driver’s side.  Just over a year later, the same thing happened again – a driver ran a stop sign and slammed into my car.  After two accidents where other drivers were not following the rules of the road, it took a long, long time for me to drive with any degree of comfort or trust in the other people on the road.  I would have irrational fears as Ger drove and give random cries of “Look out!” Continue reading

What I’ll Be Worrying About

No matter how long this pregnancy lasts, I will spend every single day worrying.

I began to feel the slightest of movements, as I have passed fifteen weeks and now, the fifth time that I have passed this point, seasoned in what I am experiencing. Or am I? At the appointment where Nelle’s heartbeat could not be found, I was asked if I had felt her move and I had responded “yes.” Either in denial or less adept at distinguishing movements than I thought. I don’t even want to answer that question when I am asked at future appointments. I might just say “I don’t want to answer that question until you see a heartbeat.” Continue reading