I have had some people come into my life recently that don’t know that I lost two babies. I interact with them a lot, and for months I have wondered when it will come up. I wasn’t avoiding the topic, but it isn’t something that necessarily arises in casual conversation either. Yet I knew – when the moment presented itself, I would say something. Continue reading
The other night, Ger and I were lounging around after watching a not-so-good movie. It ended with a predictable “boy and girl get back together and decide to get married” moment. We both thought it would have been much more interesting if the girl had walked away from the relationship, but that likely doesn’t make for a satisfying ending for viewers. Much better that hearts not be broken, and everything is tied up with a bow and a large engagement ring, right? Continue reading
Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. -Megan Devine
I spent nearly two years with my first therapist learning how to carry my grief. She let me talk about how I felt and gently probed deeper. She wanted me to identify, label, and learn to be comfortable with my feelings – even if my feelings hurt. We talked through upcoming situations so that I could learn to manage my response. When I lost Iris, she hugged me tightly and said “I’m so sorry, hun. This isn’t what I wanted for you.” Continue reading
Before I was discharged from the hospital after delivering Iris, I asked the doctor to write me a prescription for an anti-depressant. I knew that losing two babies inside of six months could send me into a dark place. When placed on a six-month holding pattern before trying for a baby again, I became rigorous in my self-care. The medication, weekly therapy, yoga multiple times per week, baths, and natural beauty products became a ritual to stay afloat. I hear the words loud and clear from the grief community: take care of yourself, take care of yourself.
Sleep changed forever the day that I found out Nelle had died. Beginning in the hospital, I was unable to fall asleep for more than a few minutes throughout the more than 24-hours of labor. Continue reading