An Unease with Mother’s Day

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Motherhood is complicated.  Mother’s Day is complicated.  Other holidays have all kinds of triggers for those that are grieving.  Christmas can be a time of forced joy when all that’s felt is pain.  Thanksgiving centers around being thankful, when often sentiments are far from that place.  But no other holiday is as dedicated and blatant as Mother’s Day for a mother who has lost a child.  The day when her motherhood is put under the spotlight, with a crowd cheering “Be happy!  Be appreciated!  YOU ARE A MOM!” Continue reading

Light, Words, and Gathering

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The only event on my calendar yesterday was a Luminary ceremony hosted by the loss support group of which I am a member.  My nanny’s exclamation of “Cinco de Mayo!” and various photos I saw of the Kentucky Derby reminded me that many people had very different celebrations yesterday.  Whereas for my circle, we gathered to light up the Angel Garden at the hospital and say our babies’ names out loud, in recognition of International Bereaved Mother’s Day. Continue reading

When Two Years Have Passed

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After taking a few months off, I went to SHARE last night.  I found that while Autumn was still a very young baby, it was too difficult to support other loss parents while simultaneously struggling with having a rainbow baby at home and the emotions that followed the daily ins and outs.  Now that Autumn has reached eight months, I felt that I was in a place where I could go to a meeting and not feel drained for days following. Continue reading

My Story, Shared

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I wondered what I would feel like writing on Christmas Day.  Would I feel like recounting the day of delight that my big kids feel when they wake up and find their presents from Santa?  Would I reflect on the past two years of anxiety, waking up on Christmas morning, once pregnant with a baby that I would lose, and once pregnant with a baby that I am now holding? Continue reading