The other morning, I was playing with Autumn on the floor. She had a toy where you push a button, or turn a knob, and an animal pops up. It was a new toy, and she was trying to work through how to make each of the animals appear. I would show her, wait a few moments for her to process what had happened, push the animal back down, and wait a few moments again to see if she could figure it out for herself. Continue reading
I had it all planned out. I knew that I would be meeting some people for the first time today, in a professional context, and when asked “How many children do you have?” I would answer honestly, the way that I always answer in my head. “I have five children. I have three at home and we lost two.” It is Iris’s birthday today and what better way to honor her than to say those words out loud. As I drove to the meetings, I practiced the scenario and the words over and over in my head. Continue reading
For the last time, I have packed away zero-to-three-month baby clothes.
When I packed away Theo’s clothing, it was with a lot of eagerness. My baby boy was growing! On to the next stage! With Quentin, I thought nothing of it. There were no immediate plans for a third child, but I assumed it would be “someday” so everything was folded and stored in labeled totes. After losing both Nelle and Iris, and packing away some of Quentin’s much larger clothing as he outgrew it, I thought “What if that was the last time I was going to ever pack away baby clothes, and I didn’t know it? What if Quentin was my last baby, and I missed savoring all of those ‘last time I will do this EVER’ moments?” Continue reading
Another year, another birthday. This is the first year where I have really felt my age: now 34. My 20s brought a lot of changes in our lives and then early 30s was just adding a number to the year, but I have become increasingly aware of my age. I think it is directly related to how much time I spent around pregnant women in my support group for women who had experienced losses. At 35, you are high-risk for age alone. When I was first pregnant with Nelle, I was 31. Now it feels like I have aged 100 years since then. Continue reading
I was holding my baby last night with quite a bit of wonder at how light she is. Carrying her around during the day, I can tell that she weighs more than when she was born, but last night her 9 lbs, 1 oz felt like nothing. She weighs less both of my pets. Continue reading