They Were Included

Last April, my sister got married. I was the maid of honor, pregnant, constantly worried that I would lose the baby, as I lost Nelle and Iris in the two pregnancies before. I did the absolute best I could to be present, participate, while carrying fears that something would happen and ruin her special day. Her day came, and everything was fine. I used the portable heart-rate monitor to listen for the baby’s heartbeat in the morning, tracked movements throughout the day, and smiled through well wishes in the evening. The day following her wedding was the 24-week mark: medically significant because it was a marker of “viability” should something happen. Continue reading

When Two Years Have Passed

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After taking a few months off, I went to SHARE last night.  I found that while Autumn was still a very young baby, it was too difficult to support other loss parents while simultaneously struggling with having a rainbow baby at home and the emotions that followed the daily ins and outs.  Now that Autumn has reached eight months, I felt that I was in a place where I could go to a meeting and not feel drained for days following. Continue reading

Rainbow’s End

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It is 3:00 am and I am staring into my baby’s very-alert face, willing her to go back to sleep. As her steely-blue eyes stare back at me, I thought of Iris. My baby that was supposed to be my rainbow baby. How much I wanted her, after losing Nelle. How Autumn would not exist if Iris had lived. It is all such a complicated story of “them” and “her.” “Here” and “not here.” Continue reading