Before I was discharged from the hospital after delivering Iris, I asked the doctor to write me a prescription for an anti-depressant. I knew that losing two babies inside of six months could send me into a dark place. When placed on a six-month holding pattern before trying for a baby again, I became rigorous in my self-care. The medication, weekly therapy, yoga multiple times per week, baths, and natural beauty products became a ritual to stay afloat. I hear the words loud and clear from the grief community: take care of yourself, take care of yourself.
Part of seeing a new therapist means rehashing many details of my life, and over the past few years, grief. I saw my previous therapist for two years. During the first session, I had to share with her all of the details of how we lost Nelle. I had a session the day after I found out I was pregnant with Iris. She gave me the tightest hug after I lost Iris saying “This isn’t what I wanted for you.” She heard a recap of every doctor’s visit. Every stressful moment during my final pregnancy. And when Autumn was born, I brought her to a session. Continue reading
In 2015, we were in a really good place. Steady in our jobs, happy and healthy kids (who were also no longer in diapers…), ready to grow our family. On Mother’s Day of that year, I announced to my mom that we were expecting our third baby. Continue reading
Another year, another birthday. This is the first year where I have really felt my age: now 34. My 20s brought a lot of changes in our lives and then early 30s was just adding a number to the year, but I have become increasingly aware of my age. I think it is directly related to how much time I spent around pregnant women in my support group for women who had experienced losses. At 35, you are high-risk for age alone. When I was first pregnant with Nelle, I was 31. Now it feels like I have aged 100 years since then. Continue reading
A few weeks before our wedding, I was in a car accident where I was not at fault: another driver ran a stop sign and hit my car on the driver’s side. Just over a year later, the same thing happened again – a driver ran a stop sign and slammed into my car. After two accidents where other drivers were not following the rules of the road, it took a long, long time for me to drive with any degree of comfort or trust in the other people on the road. I would have irrational fears as Ger drove and give random cries of “Look out!” Continue reading