In 2015, we were in a really good place. Steady in our jobs, happy and healthy kids (who were also no longer in diapers…), ready to grow our family. On Mother’s Day of that year, I announced to my mom that we were expecting our third baby. Continue reading
Another year, another birthday. This is the first year where I have really felt my age: now 34. My 20s brought a lot of changes in our lives and then early 30s was just adding a number to the year, but I have become increasingly aware of my age. I think it is directly related to how much time I spent around pregnant women in my support group for women who had experienced losses. At 35, you are high-risk for age alone. When I was first pregnant with Nelle, I was 31. Now it feels like I have aged 100 years since then. Continue reading
A few weeks before our wedding, I was in a car accident where I was not at fault: another driver ran a stop sign and hit my car on the driver’s side. Just over a year later, the same thing happened again – a driver ran a stop sign and slammed into my car. After two accidents where other drivers were not following the rules of the road, it took a long, long time for me to drive with any degree of comfort or trust in the other people on the road. I would have irrational fears as Ger drove and give random cries of “Look out!” Continue reading
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
It has been 12 days and 19 minutes since I gave birth to Nelle. She was born at 6:22 p.m. on September 4th and she had already left this world.
I started seeing a therapist the week immediately following. The first session, Ger and I went together. Today, she wanted to see me alone. She gave me a small journal and told me to write down three things I am grateful for each day. The journal’s pages were too small. This one is bigger wand was in the box of mementos from the hospital in honor of my baby girl, so it is significant. Here goes…
1. I am grateful for the small ring I ordered. It has a heart stamped on one side and NELLE stamped on the inside.
2. I am grateful for my boss at work. She has been incredibly supportive.
3. I am grateful for the people who continue to reach out to me. I get a message or something almost every day and they are comforting. Today, it was a private Facebook message and a card in the mail. Continue reading
From the beginning, I had enough self-awareness that I knew I wanted to be mentally healthy.
I went to my first therapy session six days after learning that Nelle was gone. It was at the suggestion of a friend. She said “This is a lot to deal with. Get yourself into therapy.” I have always tried to take care of myself, so the decision was a relatively easy one. Knowing also that we wanted to attempt pregnancy again right away, I wanted to be in the best possible place. I was unprepared for how encompassing the grief was, among so many other truths about profound grief, but I was determined to “work through it.” Continue reading